Jude Corp Rules (judecorp) wrote in inf_mama,
Jude Corp Rules

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Hello. I came to this community by way of sassywoman.

My name is Jude, I'm 32 and married to Jennifer who is 33. We have one child, a daughter (August) born on July 1st of this year. She was conceived using anonymous frozen donor sperm.

I have PCOS and the longest I was ever anovulatory was three years straight. I had been told by various doctors throughout time that I did not have PCOS, that I was in early menopause, that I would never have children. I believed them, but always thought I had PCOS anyone. One doctor told me I was too thin for PCOS. Another sent me for an ultrasound and said I couldn't have PCOS because I had no cysts on my ovaries. Finally I got a doctor to do some blood tests.

When I finally got a diagnosis of PCOS and was put on Metformin, I started having actual cycles. At this point I thought it might be possible to have a baby, and saw a specialist who was very optimistic. He wanted to start right away, and we did. I did three rounds of Clomid, but the third was cancelled for "lack of response" even though the second cycle had a poor response too but the RE didn't believe in changing the dose. We moved to Follistim and did three cycles of that. The second, again, was a poor response and I started to feel like he was just pushing me along casually to IVF. After the second cycle, I called him and had a very heated conversation with him about being more aggressive for my last cycle and how I was not going to do IVF with him. He reluctantly agreed to more Follistim.

I became pregnant with twins that cycle. Unfortunately, we lost one of our twins at about 8w but didn't find out until 10w. From 7w to 14w I bled, sometimes substantially, from what was believed to be a subchorionic hematoma. All I know is that I spent those 7 weeks terrified of losing our other baby. Thankfully everything turned out okay on that end.

One thing I struggle with, with respect to infertility, pregnancy loss, and queer mamahood is Mama Guilt. Every moment that I don't 100% enjoy my baby, don't focus 100% of my attention on her, or wish I had a baby break sends me into fits of Mama Guilt. We worked so hard for this baby, spent so much money on this baby, and lost a baby... and I want a break? How dare I?

So yeah, that's where I am. Hi.
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