Dahlia wasn't our first baby. I have PCOS and we'd been trying to get pregnant since we got married. We tried "on our own" for 5 years and finally showed up pregnant! My cycles were so off all the time that it wasn't until I was more than 8 weeks along that I found out I was pregnant at all. We sailed through the rest of the first trimester and everything seemed to be going OK. We had an anatomical scan at 18 weeks and everything was normal. At 18w4d, my water broke. The hospital gave me Cytotec and I completed the miscarriage there. We got to hold our son and we named him Dante Alexander a few days later.
Infertility and loss has affected me very deeply. It colors every aspect of parenting. We try not to be too overprotective, but we worked so hard to have this baby that we do tend to be a little jumpy. In other ways, we are more laid back about some things. Knowing what is out of our control has helped temper my insecurity. Dahlia is most likely going to grow up an only child because we just aren't brave enough to take the gamble to try and have another healthy, full term baby given my history.
I hope to share experiences and perspective with other parents who have experienced infertility and loss, as well as get their thoughts on how it's different to parent after loss.